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Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen. - Ambrose Bierce Quotes
Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
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Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage. - Ambrose Bierce Quotes
Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
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A cynic is a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, and not as they ought to be. - Ambrose Bierce Quotes
A cynic is a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, and not as they ought to be.
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Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.
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Abstainer, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. - Ambrose Bierce Quotes
Abstainer, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
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Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
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Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.
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Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. - Ambrose Bierce Quotes
Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
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Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
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Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. - Ambrose Bierce Quotes
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.
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War is God's way of teaching Americans geography. - Ambrose Bierce Quotes
War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
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Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion. - Ambrose Bierce Quotes
Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.
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The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog. - Ambrose Bierce Quotes
The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.
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Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond. - Ambrose Bierce Quotes
Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.
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In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
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Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries. - Ambrose Bierce Quotes
Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.
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Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking. - Ambrose Bierce Quotes
Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.
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NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party. - Ambrose Bierce Quotes
NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.
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Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.
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HIBERNATE, v. i. To pass the winter season in domestic seclusion. There have been many singular popular notions about the hibernation of various animals. Many believe that the bear hibernates during the whole winter and subsists by mechanically sucking its paws. It is admitted that it comes out of its retirement in the spring so lean that it has to try twice before it can cast a shadow.
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Witticism. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a joke.
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An absolute monarchy is one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins.
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INGRATE, n. One who receives a benefit from another, or is otherwise an object of charity. - Ambrose Bierce Quotes
INGRATE, n. One who receives a benefit from another, or is otherwise an object of charity.
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HURRICANE, n. An atmospheric demonstration once very common but now generally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone. The hurricane is still in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certain old- fashioned sea-captains.
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Magpie, n.: A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk. - Ambrose Bierce Quotes
Magpie, n.: A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk.
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CERBERUS, n. The watch-dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guard the entrance - against whom or what does not clearly appear; everybody, sooner or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry off the entrance.
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Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
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Clarinet n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments worse than a clarinet – two clarinets.
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Impartial - unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy.
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ZOOLOGY, n. The science and history of the animal kingdom, including its king, the House Fly ("Musca maledicta"). The father of Zoology was Aristotle, as is universally conceded, but the name of its mother has not come down to us.
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There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy. - Ambrose Bierce Quotes
There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.
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PHRENOLOGY, n. The science of picking the pocket through the scalp. It consists in locating and exploiting the organ that one is a dupe with.
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OSTRICH, n. A large bird to which (for its sins, doubtless) nature has denied that hinder toe . . . . The absence of a good working pair of wings is no defect, for, as has been ingeniously pointed out, the ostrich does not fly.
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Botany, n. The science of vegetables - those that are not good to eat, as well as those that are. It deals largely with their flowers, which are commonly badly designed, inartistic in color, and ill-smelling.
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HYDRA, n. A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under many heads. - Ambrose Bierce Quotes
HYDRA, n. A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under many heads.
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OATH, n. In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon the conscience by a penalty for perjury.
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GNU, n. An animal of South Africa, which in its domesticated state resembles a horse, a buffalo and a stag. In its wild condition it is something like a thunderbolt, an earthquake and a cyclone.
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PHYSIOGNOMY, n. The art of determining the character of another by the resemblances and differences between his face and our own, which is the standard of excellence.
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TEETOTALER, n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, sometimes tolerably totally. - Ambrose Bierce Quotes
TEETOTALER, n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, sometimes tolerably totally.
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OYSTER, n. A slimy, gobby shellfish which civilization gives men the hardihood to eat without removing its entrails! The shells are sometimes given to the poor.
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REALISM, n. The art of depicting nature as it is seem by toads. The charm suffusing a landscape painted by a mole, or a story written by a measuring-worm.
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ULTIMATUM, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions. - Ambrose Bierce Quotes
ULTIMATUM, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions.
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DELEGATION, n. In American politics, an article of merchandise that comes in sets. - Ambrose Bierce Quotes
DELEGATION, n. In American politics, an article of merchandise that comes in sets.
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ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom it greatly affects in turn. - Ambrose Bierce Quotes
ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom it greatly affects in turn.
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AUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island.
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GNOSTICS, n. A sect of philosophers who tried to engineer a fusion between the early Christians and the Platonists. The former would not go into the caucus and the combination failed, greatly to the chagrin of the fusion managers.
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Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. - Ambrose Bierce Quotes
Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.
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Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable. - Ambrose Bierce Quotes
Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
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Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly. - Ambrose Bierce Quotes
Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
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Patriotism, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name. In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit it is the first.
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BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think that we think. That which distinguishes the man who is content to be something from the man who wishes to do something. A man of great wealth, or one who has been pitchforked into high station, has commonly such a headful of brain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on. In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, brain is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
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Infidel, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.
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POSITIVISM- A philosophy that denies our knowledge of the Real and affirms our ignorance of the Apparent. Its longest exponent is Comte, its broadest Mill and its thickest Spencer.
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Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
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Historian - a broad-gauge gossip. - Ambrose Bierce Quotes
Historian - a broad-gauge gossip.
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PITY, n. A failing sense of exemption, inspired by contrast. - Ambrose Bierce Quotes
PITY, n. A failing sense of exemption, inspired by contrast.
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FLAG, n. A colored rag borne above troops and hoisted on forts and ships. It appears to serve the same purpose as certain signs that one sees and vacant lots in London
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APHORISM, n. Predigested wisdom. - Ambrose Bierce Quotes
APHORISM, n. Predigested wisdom.
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Salamander: Originally a reptile inhabiting fire; later, an anthropomorphous immortal, but still a pyrophile. Salamanders are now believed to be extinct, the last one of which we have an account having been seen in Carcassonne by the Abbe Belloc, who exorcised it with a bucket of holy water.
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A short story padded. A species of composition bearing the same relation to literature that the panorama bears to art. As it is too long to be read at a sitting the impressions made by its successive parts are successively effaced, as in the pa
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Birth: The first and direst of all disasters. - Ambrose Bierce Quotes
Birth: The first and direst of all disasters.
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PLATONIC, adj. Pertaining to the philosophy of Socrates. Platonic Love is a fool's name for the affection between a disability and a frost.
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Belladonna, n.: In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.
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SYCOPHANT- One who approaches Greatness on his belly so that he may not be commanded to turn and be kicked. He is sometimes an editor.
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MONUMENT, n. A structure intended to commemorate something which either needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated.
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ORATORY, n. A conspiracy between speech and action to cheat the understanding. A tyranny tempered by stenography.
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FINANCE, n. The art or science of managing revenues and resources for the best advantage of the manager. The pronunciation of this word with the i long and the accent on the first syllable is one of America's most precious discoveries and possessions.
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Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art. - Ambrose Bierce Quotes
Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.
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MUSTANG, n. An indocile horse of the western plains. In English society, the American wife of an English nobleman.
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MISDEMEANOR, n. An infraction of the law having less dignity than a felony and constituting no claim to admittance into the best criminal society.
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OVATION, n. n ancient Rome, a definite, formal pageant in honor of one who had been disserviceable to the enemies of the nation. A lesser "triumph."
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APHORISM, n. Predigested wisdom. The flabby wine-skin of his brain Yields to some pathologic strain, And voids from its unstored abysm The driblet of an aphorism. "The Mad Philosopher," 1697
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MUMMY, n. - an ancient Egyptian handy, too, in museums in gratifying the vulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish man from the lower animals.
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PHILISTINE, n. One whose mind is the creature of its environment, following the fashion in thought, feeling and sentiment. He is sometimes learned, frequently prosperous, commonly clean and always solemn.
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LAST, n. A shoemaker's implement, named by a frowning Providence as opportunity to the maker of puns.
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DIGESTION, n. The conversion of victuals into virtues. When the process is imperfect, vices are evolved instead - a circumstance from which that wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies are the greater sufferers from dyspepsia.
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HUMORIST, n. A plague that would have softened down the hoar austerity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with his best wishes, cat-quick.
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GEOGRAPHER, n. A chap who can tell you offhand the difference between the outside of the world and the inside.
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PESSIMISM- philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile.
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Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. - Ambrose Bierce Quotes
Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
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