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The problem with winter sports is that -- follow me closely here -- they generally take place in winter.
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Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
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If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.
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People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
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A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. - Dave Barry Quotes
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
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Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. - Dave Barry Quotes
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
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Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. - Dave Barry Quotes
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
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Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. - Dave Barry Quotes
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. - Dave Barry Quotes
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
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Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. - Dave Barry Quotes
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
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Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
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There's nothing wrong with enjoying looking at the surface of the ocean itself, except that when you finally see what goes on underwater,you realize that you've been missing the whole point of the ocean. Staying on the surface all the time is like going to the circus and staring at the outside of the tent.
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You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.
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In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
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Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
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Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. - Dave Barry Quotes
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
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It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
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The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.
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Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
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Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.
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Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
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Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain.
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If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
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Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
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Spain travel tip: If bathroom genders are indicated by flamingos, the boy flamingo is the one with a hat. I learned this the hard way.
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The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. They're the kind of people who'd stop to help you change a flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire. I would be reluctant to entrust them with a Cuisinart, let alone the economy. The Republicans, on the other hand, would know how to fix your tire, but they wouldn't bother to stop because they'd want to be on time for Ugly Pants Night at the country club
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Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves and the teacher says: Imagine what it does to your TEETH! So Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to improve.
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When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
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Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
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The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. - Dave Barry Quotes
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
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I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.
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All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears - of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on lobsters in the dark, of speaking before a Rotary Club, and of the words "Some Assembly Required".
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Dogs would make totally incompetent criminals. If you could somehow get a group of dogs to understand the concept of the Kennedy assassination, they would all immediately confess to it. Whereas you'll never see a cat display any kind of guilty behavior, despite the fact that several cats were seen in Dallas on the grassy knoll area, not that I wish to start rumors.
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Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said
Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.
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Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.
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I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty-seven-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.
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No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. - Dave Barry Quotes
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
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We are talking about mutated women, the result of cruel genetic experiments performed by fashion designers so lacking in any sense of human decency that they think nothing of putting their initials on your eyeglass lenses. The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. If a normal woman puts on clothing designed for these unfortunate people, she is quite naturally going to look like Revenge of the Pork Person.
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One popular new plastic surgery technique is called lip grafting, or 'fat recycling,' wherein fat cells are removed from one part of your body that is too large, such as your buttocks, and injected into your lips. People will then be literally kissing ass.
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To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. - Dave Barry Quotes
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
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It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.
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I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.
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Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.
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Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything. - Dave Barry Quotes
Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.
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If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from the Beverly Hillbillies.
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The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. - Dave Barry Quotes
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
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Hardware: where the people in your company's software section will tell you the problem is. Software: where the people in your company's hardware section will tell you the problem is.
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The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning “ability to,” and bics, meaning “withstand tremendous boredom.
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The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition. - Dave Barry Quotes
The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.
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It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
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Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information which is how I got a good job in journalism.
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The obvious and fair solution to the housework problem is to let men do the housework for, say, the next six thousand years, to even things up. The trouble is that men, over the years, have developed an inflated notion of the importance of everything they do, so that before long they would turn housework into just as much of a charade as business is now. They would hire secretaries and buy computers and fly off to housework conferences in Bermuda, but they'd never clean anything.
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Never lick a steak knife. - Dave Barry Quotes
Never lick a steak knife.
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The trouble is, you cannot grow just one zucchini. Minutes after you plant a single seed, hundreds of zucchini will barge out of the ground and sprawl around the garden, menacing the other vegetables. At night, you will be able to hear the ground quake as more and more zucchinis erupt.
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What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. - Dave Barry Quotes
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
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The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
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What women want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What men want: Tickets to the World Series.
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A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge.
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Scientists tell us that the fastest animal in the world, with a speed of 120 mph, is a cow dropped out of a helicopter.
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Some archeologists believe that Stonehenge - the mysterious arrangement of enormous elongated stones in England - is actually a crude effort by the Druids to build a computing device.
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Orangutan are very weird animals but they look very soulful. - Dave Barry Quotes
Orangutan are very weird animals but they look very soulful.
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Reading... a vacation for the mind. - Dave Barry Quotes
Reading... a vacation for the mind.
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The French are not rude. They just happen to hate you. But that is no reason to bypass this beautiful country, whose master chefs have a well-deserved worldwide reputation for trying to trick people into eating snails. Nobody is sure how this got started. Probably a couple of French master chefs were standing around one day, and they found a snail, and one of them said: 'I bet that if we called this something like `escargot,' tourists would eat it.' Then they had hearty laugh, because 'escargot' is the French word for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm.'
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Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spiderwebs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.
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I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.
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Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. - Dave Barry Quotes
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
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This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill Person School.
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The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear safety glasses.
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It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.
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I care about our young people, and I wish them great success, because they are our Hope for the Future, and some day, when my generation retires, they will have to pay us trillions of dollars in social security
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In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.
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The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.
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There are two kinds of people in this world, and I am one of them.
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The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.
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If women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be sincerely believe this - no military conflicts, and when there WAS a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon
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It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
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We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
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Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
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'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.
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Software is usually accompanied by documentation in the form of big fat scary manuals that nobody ever reads. In fact, for the past five years most of the manuals shipped with software products have actually been copies of Stephen King's The Stand with new covers pasted on.
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