Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.28712872Copy Quote
Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.28502851Copy Quote
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.28232824Copy Quote
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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I've never understood the point of ecstasy. I think if I wanted to get dehydrated and jump about with a load of people I've never met before I could go to a Methodist barn dance.25232524Copy Quote
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?28322833Copy Quote
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.21032104Copy Quote
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
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When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.18541855Copy Quote
You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'18431844Copy Quote
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.18251826Copy Quote
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
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Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
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Whoever drinks beer, he is quick to sleep; whoever sleeps long, does not sin; whoever does not sin, enters Heaven! Thus, let us drink beer!16571658Copy Quote
Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.
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A day without laughter is a day wasted.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.19601961Copy Quote
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.15201521Copy Quote
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
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The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.19551956Copy Quote
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
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There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.10831084Copy Quote
The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.30023003Copy Quote
How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in your life you will have been all of these.10801081Copy Quote
We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.10801081Copy Quote
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.10541055Copy Quote
I came here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. And I'm all out of bubble gum.
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People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
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If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.10101011Copy Quote
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
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Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!920921Copy Quote
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.15641565Copy Quote
Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple881882Copy Quote
The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is 'What does a woman want?'854855Copy Quote
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there, and finding it.798799Copy Quote
Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.
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Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat.
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Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
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Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink.
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The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
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Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.14291430Copy Quote
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
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I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection
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Women are made to be loved, not understood.
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