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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. - George Carlin Quotes
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
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By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. - George Carlin Quotes
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
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Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. - George Carlin Quotes
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. - George Carlin Quotes
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin Quotes
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
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If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. - George Carlin Quotes
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. - George Carlin Quotes
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.
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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. - George Carlin Quotes
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
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Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own all the important land. They own, and control the corporations. They've long since bought, and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the state houses, the city halls, they got the judges in their back pockets and they own all the big media companies, so they control just about all of the news and information you get to hear.
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Have you ever noticed that the only metaphor we have in our public discourse for solving problems is to declare war on it? We have the war on crime, the war on cancer, the war on drugs. But did you ever notice that we have no war on homelessness? You know why? Because there's no money in that problem. No money to be made off of the homeless. If you can find a solution to homelessness where the corporations and politicians can make a few million dollars each, you will see the streets of America begin to clear up pretty damn quick!
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Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. - George Carlin Quotes
Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
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All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another
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In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem. - George Carlin Quotes
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
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There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.
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Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.
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Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. - George Carlin Quotes
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
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The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
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That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. - George Carlin Quotes
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
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If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
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Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole. - George Carlin Quotes
Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.
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To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the existence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably far more. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless taped and filmed and, by the way, unexplained sightings from all over the world, along with documented radar evidence seen by experienced military and civilian radar operators.>>.
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A person of good intelligence and of sensitivity cannot exist in this society very long without having some anger about the inequality - and it's not just a bleeding-heart, knee-jerk, liberal kind of a thing - it is just a normal human reaction to a nonsensical set of values where we have cinnamon flavored dental floss and there are people sleeping in the street.
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Keep in mind, the news media are not independent; they are a sort of bulletin board and public relations firm for the ruling class-the people who run things. Those who decide what news you will or will not hear are paid by, and tolerated purely at the whim of, those who hold economic power. If the parent corporation doesn't want you to know something, it won't be on the news. Period. Or, at the very least, it will be slanted to suit them, and then rarely followed up.
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People are wonderful. I love individuals. I hate groups of people. I hate a group of people with a 'common purpose'. 'Cause pretty soon they have little hats. And armbands. And fight songs. And a list of people they're going to visit at 3am. So, I dislike and despise groups of people but I love individuals. Every person you look at; you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking.
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Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain. - George Carlin Quotes
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
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To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope. - George Carlin Quotes
To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.
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If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? - George Carlin Quotes
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin Quotes
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse. - George Carlin Quotes
If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse.
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. - George Carlin Quotes
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. - George Carlin Quotes
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. - George Carlin Quotes
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
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I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.
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Did you ever stop to thnk about all the people we kill? They're always people who tell us to live together in harmony and try to love one another: Jesus, Ghandi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, John Lennon. They all said: 'Try to live together peacefully.' BAM! Right in the f--in head! Aparently we're not ready for that!
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. - George Carlin Quotes
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
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What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? - George Carlin Quotes
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
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Life is a zero sum game. - George Carlin Quotes
Life is a zero sum game.
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Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
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Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
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If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders. - George Carlin Quotes
If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.
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Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.
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Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? - George Carlin Quotes
Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire. - George Carlin Quotes
If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.
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If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain
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If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor. - George Carlin Quotes
If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
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Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. - George Carlin Quotes
Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
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Why is there such controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who'd be willing to test any drug they can come up with.
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If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? - George Carlin Quotes
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
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Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
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Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
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I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
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Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body
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The larger the group, the more toxic, the more of your beauty as an individual you have to surrender for the sake of group thought. And when you suspend your individual beauty you also give up a lot of your humanity. You will do things in the name of a group that you would never do on your own. Injuring, hurting, killing, drinking are all part of it, because you've lost your identity, because you now owe your allegiance to this thing that's bigger than you are and that controls you.
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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? - George Carlin Quotes
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
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When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse. - George Carlin Quotes
When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.
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I'm in shape. Round is a shape. - George Carlin Quotes
I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
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Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."
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A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. it's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.
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In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section. - George Carlin Quotes
In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section.
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The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can’t quite remember.
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There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan. - George Carlin Quotes
There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.
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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done".
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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
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Life is sacred? Who said so, God? Hey, if you read history you'll realize that God is one of the leading causes of death...has been for thousands of years. Hindus, Muslims, Christians, Jews, all taking turns killing each other because God told them it was a good idea.
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Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes. - George Carlin Quotes
Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. - George Carlin Quotes
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
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I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
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If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball. - George Carlin Quotes
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
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I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off the Grass, Keep Out, and they seem to work fairly well. I think we should also have signs for major crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, NO Raping People, Thank You for Not Kidnapping Anyone. It's certainly worth a try. I'm convinced Watergate would never have happened if there had just been a sign in the Oval Office that said, Malfeasance of Office Is Strictly Against the Law, or Thank You for Not Undermining the Constitution.
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What if there were no hypothetical questions? - George Carlin Quotes
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
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Everyone smiles in the same language. - George Carlin Quotes
Everyone smiles in the same language.
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Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
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Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails. - George Carlin Quotes
Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails.
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