App Suggestion

Thank you!

Your suggestion has been submitted.

Home page
Submit Quote

Thank you!

The quote has been submitted.

Home page

Share

What's another word for Thesaurus? - Steven Wright Quotes
What's another word for Thesaurus?
1499
Share
Copy Quote
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. - Steven Wright Quotes
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
1443
Share
Copy Quote
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
1387
Share
Copy Quote
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. - Steven Wright Quotes
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
1330
Share
Copy Quote
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. - Steven Wright Quotes
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
1274
Share
Copy Quote
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. - Steven Wright Quotes
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
1218
Share
Copy Quote
You can't have everything. Where would you put it? - Steven Wright Quotes
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
1162
Share
Copy Quote
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. - Steven Wright Quotes
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
1106
Share
Copy Quote
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
1050
Share
Copy Quote
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
993
Share
Copy Quote
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese - Steven Wright Quotes
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
833
Share
Copy Quote
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. - Steven Wright Quotes
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
496
Share
Copy Quote
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
322
Share
Copy Quote
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? - Steven Wright Quotes
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
269
Share
Copy Quote
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. - Steven Wright Quotes
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
262
Share
Copy Quote
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?
256
Share
Copy Quote
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong? - Steven Wright Quotes
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
255
Share
Copy Quote
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
239
Share
Copy Quote
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. - Steven Wright Quotes
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
214
Share
Copy Quote
The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.
206
Share
Copy Quote
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. - Steven Wright Quotes
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
188
Share
Copy Quote
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
174
Share
Copy Quote
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.
163
Share
Copy Quote
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
162
Share
Copy Quote
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? - Steven Wright Quotes
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
160
Share
Copy Quote
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
155
Share
Copy Quote
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there? - Steven Wright Quotes
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
144
Share
Copy Quote
How do you get off a non-stop flight? - Steven Wright Quotes
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
144
Share
Copy Quote
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
130
Share
Copy Quote
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one. - Steven Wright Quotes
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
129
Share
Copy Quote
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
125
Share
Copy Quote
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. - Steven Wright Quotes
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
123
Share
Copy Quote
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. - Steven Wright Quotes
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
119
Share
Copy Quote
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. - Steven Wright Quotes
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
118
Share
Copy Quote
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
115
Share
Copy Quote
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. - Steven Wright Quotes
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
112
Share
Copy Quote
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. - Steven Wright Quotes
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
112
Share
Copy Quote
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. - Steven Wright Quotes
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
111
Share
Copy Quote
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. - Steven Wright Quotes
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
111
Share
Copy Quote
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? - Steven Wright Quotes
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
110
Share
Copy Quote
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? - Steven Wright Quotes
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
106
Share
Copy Quote
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. - Steven Wright Quotes
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
96
Share
Copy Quote
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. - Steven Wright Quotes
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
95
Share
Copy Quote
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
95
Share
Copy Quote
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
93
Share
Copy Quote
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. - Steven Wright Quotes
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
93
Share
Copy Quote
How come abbreviated is such a long word? - Steven Wright Quotes
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
93
Share
Copy Quote
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! - Steven Wright Quotes
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
93
Share
Copy Quote
I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
92
Share
Copy Quote
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
92
Share
Copy Quote
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right. - Steven Wright Quotes
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
85
Share
Copy Quote
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. - Steven Wright Quotes
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
85
Share
Copy Quote
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. - Steven Wright Quotes
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
85
Share
Copy Quote
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding. - Steven Wright Quotes
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
84
Share
Copy Quote
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. - Steven Wright Quotes
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
84
Share
Copy Quote
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out. - Steven Wright Quotes
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
84
Share
Copy Quote
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. - Steven Wright Quotes
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
81
Share
Copy Quote
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? - Steven Wright Quotes
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
81
Share
Copy Quote
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
80
Share
Copy Quote
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? - Steven Wright Quotes
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
78
Share
Copy Quote
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat - Steven Wright Quotes
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat
77
Share
Copy Quote
I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter. - Steven Wright Quotes
I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
75
Share
Copy Quote
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. - Steven Wright Quotes
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
74
Share
Copy Quote
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
73
Share
Copy Quote
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
73
Share
Copy Quote
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. - Steven Wright Quotes
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
71
Share
Copy Quote
always remember your unique, just like everone else - Steven Wright Quotes
always remember your unique, just like everone else
70
Share
Copy Quote
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. - Steven Wright Quotes
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
69
Share
Copy Quote
I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
69
Share
Copy Quote
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
69
Share
Copy Quote
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. - Steven Wright Quotes
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
67
Share
Copy Quote
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? - Steven Wright Quotes
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
67
Share
Copy Quote
I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it. - Steven Wright Quotes
I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.
66
Share
Copy Quote
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. - Steven Wright Quotes
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
65
Share
Copy Quote
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. - Steven Wright Quotes
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
65
Share
Copy Quote
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it? - Steven Wright Quotes
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
59
Share
Copy Quote
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. - Steven Wright Quotes
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
56
Share
Copy Quote
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
56
Share
Copy Quote
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. - Steven Wright Quotes
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
56
Share
Copy Quote
They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. - Steven Wright Quotes
They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.
54
Share
Copy Quote
More Quotes
About Contact Submit Privacy Terms

© 2020 - All rights reserved pepquotes.com