What's another word for Thesaurus?
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.13861387Copy Quote
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.10491050Copy Quote
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.992993Copy Quote
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?321322Copy Quote
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?255256Copy Quote
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.238239Copy Quote
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.205206Copy Quote
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.173174Copy Quote
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.162163Copy Quote
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.161162Copy Quote
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.154155Copy Quote
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.129130Copy Quote
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.124125Copy Quote
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.114115Copy Quote
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.9495Copy Quote
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.9293Copy Quote
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.9192Copy Quote
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.9192Copy Quote
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.7980Copy Quote
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.7273Copy Quote
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'7273Copy Quote
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?6869Copy Quote
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.6869Copy Quote
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'5556Copy Quote
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.
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27 Best Cesar Chavez Quotes on Education and Success
There is no substitute for hard work, 23 or 24 hours a day. And there is no substitute for patience and acceptance - Cesar Chavez Quotes
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34 Best Ralph Waldo Emerson Quotes on Love and Life (INSPIRATIONAL)
The greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail - Ralph Waldo Emerson
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31 Best Mark Cuban Quotes for Success
I was poor as fuck living on the floor and I had already won. It has nothing to do with money - Mark Cuban.
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